Consider This - Indefinite Undertaking

Preface of Something:


I am a nut. Hopefully a Macadamia, they seem flavorful, slightly egocentric perhaps as well. I consider myself well read, but would flounder in contest. Articulate but absurd, a victim of Vonnegut. Not a sociopath but oppressingly impulsive and shy. Not a schedule-1 drug addict, but regularly caffeinated. These are some ever-changing intricacies of my existence.
Experience has been kind to me but opportunity was squandered again and again. My life has been a series of events, some fortunate; others were misadventures escaping my descriptive capability. Eccentric by speech alone not by action.
In high school, others viewed me as the prototypical longhaired stoner. No outward values or ethical structure guided me; pursuit of pleasure was the superstructure of my action. I rarely thought, and nearly always acted on impulse. While others could get high and maintain dignity, I was reduced to a bio-chemical zombie. To say the least, I’m ashamed of what and who I was. Luckily my parents enforced their values upon me when I was down and out. I defaulted into college on a bogus body of work and was presented with new opportunity by the powers that be.
I’m motivated by a combination of self-interest and an insatiable need to be admired. I’ve come to recognize this in myself and have attempted to impose logical confines unto it. These odd motivations made me, at worst, a pathological liar. Undoubtedly my frontal lobe is underdeveloped. This moral deviance is damn frustrating. People are hurt by dishonesty, and when exposed I am ashamed of my inability to be forthright. To this end and to minimize the interpersonal damage, I remain steadfastly non-committal and withdrawn. These actions are not to be confused with some social malice or desire to be hurtful, but rather my own social ineptitude.
I believe I can see through false pretenses in others, as well as maintaining the ability to be rationally decisive with external developments. However I feel that I’m incredibly disingenuous with myself, and consequently confounded with decisions affecting myself, and innocent third parties. Pundits say the first step to recovery is recognition. These issues, dilemmas and quandaries I have long recognized in myself. People often offer advice, but it is always ineffective. Never before has a second step been offered. The moral, ethical and value based bio-chemical war continues to rage within; perseverance as the only counter-measure.
Perseverance is will and follow-through. Ambition is nothing without the capability to set in motion events culminating in a tangible end. I am prone to onslaughts of ambition and easily swayed by grand schemes of my own design. In short I am a dreamer but lack the special sort of dedication reserved to “doers.” I have failed many times, and continue to do so, at much cost to my self-esteem. Even so, I can’t bury the notion that I am capable of accomplishing feats most could not.
The parchment manifestation of these acknowledgements is appeasing in it self. Memoirs of a person not yet 22 times around the sun. Those that stumble upon this may ask themselves, in similar words:
“What the hell does he know?”
To them I say,
“There is no definitive answer, I’m probably more curious than you are.”
Or in fewer words:
“We’ll see.”
I am a chronically unsure person, and it is with this ambiguous notion at the outset that I undertake this indefinite project. Further, to focus this naturally skeptical project I will edit and censor as little of my writing as possible.